OK..happy midway point between the secular and the religious. Heaven exists, but it’s just like everyday life on earth.
A recently dead human gets up to Heaven and asks a nearby angel:
Person: ‘ahh I cut my arm pretty bad on the magic escalator coming up here, is this gash gonna heal?’
Angel: ‘ahh yeah, if you get to the hospital, and see a doctor, but the closest is in East Heaven which you’ll need the B72 bus for..’
Person: ‘well can I just fly there like you?’
Angel: (chuckling) ‘ahh no, I’m an angel, you’re just a dead human’
-You buy milk at the Heaven store and it’s like 3 weeks expired.
-All dogs do get into Heaven but only live about 10 Heaven years (10 years) and pass away after you’ve gotten to know them and love them.
-Literally everyone gets in, except Paul Ryan.
-You stub your toe and get the wind knocked out of you and fall to the ground in pain, except the ground is fluffy clouds, which is nice, but then another recently dead human sits down right next to you even though there’s like an endless field of clouds.
-You finally save enough Heaven Credit to buy a car and spend years trapped in Heaven traffic because the I-80 through Heaven is fucking murder on the weekdays.
And weekend trips to Hell are fun because it’s just Billy Joel in his BMW threatening to run over Martin Shkreli